Day 13 - Roles

READING: John 8:2-11

All of us have certain roles that we fulfil as we interact with others. This is a necessary part of living and functioning in the world. Roles help to define what we should do, and give helpful cues to ourselves and others as to what kind of behaviour is appropriate and expected.

Here’s a simple example: If I’m watching my child play a hockey match, I am there primarily in my role as a father, to support and encourage my child. My role is not that of coach, and even though there are things that I may see on the field of play that could be improved, if I were to slip into the role of coach and start yelling instructions (as opposed to encouragement) to the players, it would be inappropriate. (It’s amazing how many parents fail to make this very basic distinction.)

So having roles clearly defined certainly has its place. But a problem arises when we identify too closely with our roles, and begin to see ourselves and others in terms of the respective roles that we fulfil. Listen to what Eckhart Tolle says about this:

If you are awake enough, aware enough, to be able to observe how you interact with other people, you may detect subtle changes in your speech, attitude, and behaviour depending on the person you are interacting with. At first, it may be easier to observe this in others; then, you may also detect it in yourself. The way in which you speak to the chairman of the company may be different in subtle ways from how you speak to the janitor. How you speak to a child may be different from how you speak to an adult. Why is that? You are playing roles. You are not yourself, neither with the chairman nor with the janitor or the child…. A range of conditioned patterns of behaviour come into effect between two human beings that determine the nature of the interaction. Instead of human beings, conceptual mental images are interacting with each other. The more identified people are with their respective roles, the more inauthentic the relationships become.

He goes on to tell the story of a Zen teacher and monk by the name of Kasan who was to officiate at a funeral of a famous nobleman. As he stood waiting for the governor and other dignitaries to arrive, he noticed that his palms were sweaty. The next day he called his disciples and confessed that he was not yet ready to be a true teacher, because he still lacked the sameness of bearing before all human beings, whether beggar or king. He was still unable to look through social roles and conceptual identities and see the sameness of being in every human. So he left and became the pupil of another master. He returned to his former pupils eight years later, enlightened.

When roles define who we are and how we act towards others, it seriously stifles the possibility of authentic relating. It can also be utterly exhausting as we flip-flop from one role to the next, constantly wondering what’s required of us and whether we are making the grade, constantly trying to live up to our own and other people’s expectations of who or what we should be.

In stark contrast to this we see in Jesus a remarkable capacity to be fully present to people as they are, without any posturing or pretence on his part. There’s a directness and honesty in his engagement with others that cuts right through any of the social constructs that otherwise might have defined the interaction. A wonderful example of this is the account in John 8:2-11 when a group of Pharisees and teachers of the Law brought to Jesus a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery, and asked him if they should stone her as the Law commanded. With remarkable composure Jesus exposed the hypocrisy that their elevated roles and titles were hiding, and then dealt graciously with the woman as a fellow human being.

It is this same quality that a living faith in Christ seeks to develop in us, helping us to see people not according to their labels but as they really are, and enabling us to relate to them out of a deep sense of our common and shared humanity.

PUTTING FAITH INTO ACTION:

Think of someone you know that you always relate to according to the role that they fulfil — a work colleague, a domestic worker, a car-guard, a teacher at your child’s school. Now think of some ways in which you might interact with them, not according to their role, but as a fellow human being. For example, you could ask a car guard about their family or their home. Or you could make your domestic worker a cup of tea and invite her to join you in the lounge for a chat. If that sounds totally crazy and feels very awkward, what does it say about the respective roles that have rigidly defined those relationships? What do you think Jesus would say about that? What are you going to do?

PRAYER:

Lord, forgive me for the many times when I fail to see through a particular role that someone else may be fulfilling, and assume that that’s all that there is to them. Remind me that people are richly woven tapestries of many different roles and experiences, and that even this does not capture the fullness of who they are. Give to me an evenness in all my dealings with others that comes from a deep sense of who I really am. And help me to treat each person I meet with profound respect that recognises that they are a fellow son or daughter of God. Amen