Day 14 - Saying sorry

READING: Luke 18:9-14

There’s a line that’s often quoted: ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry!’ What a load of complete and utter hogwash!

In our relationships with others we make mistakes. We say things and do things that are thoughtless, selfish and sometimes just plain mean. And more often than not it’s those people whom we love the most that we end up hurting the worst.

There is a vulnerability that love brings. It’s one of love’s great gifts because out of vulnerability, trust and tenderness and intimacy can grow. But it also means that we can get hurt by those whom we love. And what is even worse, we can cause great hurt to those we love. It’s an agonising thing to realise about ourselves—our capacity to inflict hurt and damage on those nearest to us.

Therapists’ rooms are full of people dealing with the aftermath of wounds inflicted by parents, siblings & spouses - sometimes years after the fact. Because wounding in intimate relationships often happens in subtle ways, beyond immediate consciousness, it is often only fully recognised much later in life, when the task of dealing with it is more complex. Though thankfully, such wounds can be dealt with, and it’s never too late for healing to be found.

That is why when the hurt we cause others is brought into consciousness, it becomes a powerful opportunity for the wider work of healing in those relationships to be helped. For every time conscious hurts are graciously dealt with, a bastion of grace is built for dealing with unconscious hurts later whenever they should surface.

What is required, first and foremost, is for us to say that we’re sorry. Because saying sorry, without any justifications or excuses, in a sincere and unequivocal and heartfelt way is totally liberating, in a whole host of ways.

• It liberates the person who has been hurt from the tyranny of silent suffering or of self-doubt, by bringing into the open the fact that they have been wronged.
• It liberates the person who has caused the hurt from the illusion that everything is OK, and that really ‘it’s not that bad’, or any other defence mechanism that tries to minimise the hurt.
• It liberates the person who has been wronged from being a victim, by allowing them the opportunity to participate actively in the great work of reconciliation, if they choose to forgive.
• It liberates the relationship from the cold kiss of festering resentment.

And so, as soon as you are aware of a hurt that you have caused, do not delay in saying sorry, so long as you can say it with heartfelt sincerity. Recognise too that you may not realise the full extent of the hurt that you have caused, and that such realisation may only arise when you’re making amends. There’s a vulnerability in this business of reconciliation, but whatever it may cost in terms of humility and swallowing your pride is a small price compared to the long-term damage that unresolved hurts can inflict on a relationship with someone you love. And one more thing, remember that saying sorry does not mean that the whole matter is now over. Saying sorry does not entitle you, in a subtly manipulative way, to expect the person who has been wronged to suddenly ‘get over it!’ Far from it. All it means is that you’ve helped to open the door of forgiveness, and have taken your first step in the journey of reconciliation. That journey may still involve the one you’ve wronged expressing their anger and hurt, and for you to hear and simple receive that. And it may require specific acts of restitution on your part. But it all begins with those simple, grace-filled words, ‘I’m sorry.’ So what do you think? Does love mean never having to say you’re sorry? That’s hogwash. The good news is subtly but significantly different: Love means never hiding away from saying you’re sorry, however costly it may seem, because love knows that not to say sorry is infinitely worse.

PUTTING FAITH INTO ACTION:

Who have you wronged that you’ve never acknowledged? It’s never too late to say you’re sorry. Resolve to make amends and tell them how you feel, except if to do so will cause them, or others, further hurt. If you’re not sure what to do or how to go about it, this is something that would be worth speaking discussing with a trusted friend, counsellor, church leader or minister.

PRAYER:

Merciful and compassionate God, give me the courage to acknowledge with humility and grace my wrongdoing to others, and give me the resolve to seek reconciliation with those whom I have hurt. Help me to say the words, “I’m sorry.” Amen