Identity: Who are you? - Marriage & Singleness

FOCUS SCRIPTURE

1 Corinthians 7:1-9, 32-35

DAILY BYTE

There can be little doubt that one of the ways in which our identity continues to be defined in our contemporary culture is through the primary love relationships that we may or may not be in. Our ‘marital status’ - whether we are single, married, divorced or widowed - is a key determinant for how people relate to us, and indeed, how we think of ourselves.

One of the great gifts of marriage is the intimate union that it offers, where spouses can experience a profound interweaving of the deepest parts of who they are. Such union changes those who are married, and rightly and wonderfully so! But there’s also a danger inherent in such union - the danger that your very identity becomes exclusively wrapped up in your partner. This is NOT what God intends for the liberating bonds of marital love.

In Kahil Gibran’s famous poem on marriage, we read these challenging words:

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow

When we allow our identity to be completely defined by our human relationships we can easily become diminished as a result. And then, when a partner is lost, either through the sadness of death or divorce, people can often find themselves utterly at sea, unsure of who they are, strangers within their own skin! Thankfully, by the grace of God, even the anguish of bereavement or the tragedy of divorce can become a seed of new life and the exciting discovery of a new sense of self.

Which brings us to those who are single - either through choice or circumstance. Singleness is often denigrated in our secular society as a lesser way of being - and yes, the church, to its shame, has often contributed to this warped view. But the scriptures remind us that singleness is a legitimate and godly way of being in the world through which we can be fully human and fully alive. Indeed, the Apostle Paul seems to express a preference for singleness over marriage, and holds up celibacy as a cherished gift to the church. Certainly, over the ages there have been countless examples of those whose singleness has been an essential part of their radical witness and single-minded devotion to God. (After all, when we think of Mother Teresa, we don’t say pityingly, “If only she had met her husband, then her life would have been complete!”)

The key, of course, for all of us - whether single or married - is knowing to whom we ultimately belong. And that is the God of love, the only One in whom our identity can ultimately be defined. For the deepest truth about us is that we have been created in love, by love, for love. This is the essence of who we are that needs to be embraced and lived if we are to become fully alive.

In concluding this reflection, listen to these insightful words of Shane Claiborne:

Our deepest longing is not for sex but for love. We can live without sex, but we cannot live without love. And there certainly are many folks who have a lot of sex but never find love, and others who may never have sex but who have found love and intimacy in the deepest core of their being. We are created to love and be loved. Marriage and biological family is a beautiful way to find love. But it is not the only place, and that is good news to the singles out there and to the many folks who do not find themselves attracted to the other gender. If our communities can create spaces where people can love and be loved as God has loved us, all the other stuff gets a little bit easier.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

1. In what ways have you perhaps ‘lost yourself’ within your current relationship? What can you do to start regaining a fuller sense of who you are?
2. If you’re married, how can you and your spouse be more aware, more including & more supportive of those whom you know who are single, widowed or divorced?
3. If you’re single, what can you do to better support others who are single, or married couples whom you know?

PRAYER

God of tenderness and intimate love. You have made us in love, by love and for love. Herein lies our deepest identity. Thank you. We also thank you for the gift of those who love us and whom we can love in turn, particularly those who hold a special place in our hearts. Free us to give ourselves in loving, life-giving ways to others, and help us to remember that whether we’re in a committed relationship or not, it’s the quality of our loving that determines how fully alive we are. Amen.