Identity: Who are you? - The false self

FOCUS SCRIPTURE

Psalm 139:1-18

DAILY BYTE

One of my mentors and fathers in the faith is a Franciscan priest by the name of Father Richard Rohr. He has spoken extensively of a concept that he terms ‘the false self’. What he describes, if I’ve understood him correctly, correlates to what other thinkers and spiritual guides from a wide range of traditions have spoken about using different terms: the illusory self, the narcissistic self, the ego, the shadow. The Apostle Paul spoke of “the flesh” to describe the same reality - though unfortunately we hear that term and think that Paul was referring to our physical / sexual selves, which was NOT his point at all.

Whichever term you may prefer, the false self refers to that part of who we are that gets constructed as we live in the world, through the cues we take from those around us, our own growing sense of who we perceive ourselves to be, and especially how we would like to be seen by others. This is an inevitable and even necessary part of growing up as a human being and living a functional life in the world.

The only problem with the false self is that it isn’t real - certainly not in the sense that it describes who we truly are. The false self quickly becomes identified with aspects of our lives that are incidental, not essential. Things like race, gender, nationality, possessions, education, profession, socio-economic position. The false self also becomes identified with the roles that we assume - spouse, parent, sibling, employee, etc - as well as our memories of the past, our opinions of the present, and the pictures of the future we hold on to. It is further shaped by our likes and dislikes, our opinions and convictions, our friends and acquaintances, and the knowledge and experience we’ve gained.

Many people assume that this is the bundle of stuff that makes them who they are. And so it comes as a strange and even disturbing thought to hear all of this referred to as the false self! “If this isn’t the essence of who I am, then who am I?” they cry. Which is a wonderful question to ask. For it forces us to take another look at all of these things that we thought were part of our deepest identity. And when we do that, we come to see that none of the things described above touch the core of who we are, and none of these things are in fact set in stone. Even ‘fixtures’ like race, gender and nationality are very blunt ways of categorising people that do not even begin to touch the complex nuances that make each person wholly and wondrously unique.

When we live out of the false self, assuming that this is all there is to us, we are at the constant mercy of the fickle ebb and flow of these ever-changing tides. Our sense of value and worth gets wrapped up in other people’s opinions of us, how successful we are at work, our popularity, how well-adjusted our children are, the state of our relationships or finances, our personal body image. This is an exhausting and agonising way to live.

Thankfully there is an alternative, which we will be talking about tomorrow!

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

Answer the following questions as honestly and quickly as you can, without thinking too hard about the answers. We’ll be referring back to these tomorrow.

1. What are the things about you that are a source of embarrassment for you? 
2. What are you most afraid of losing? 
3. When last did you take serious offence at someone? What did they say or do?

PRAYER

Loving and gracious God. Thank you that you have searched me and you know me. Thank you that you know me better than I know myself, and yet you still love me. You love me with a limitless, inexhaustible love. Thank you that you will never give up on me. Thank you that you are committed to revealing to me things about myself that remain hidden from my own awareness. By your grace, lighten my eyes O God, that I might see myself more clearly. Help me to see beyond the limiting, defining categories that I have accepted for myself. Help me to see what you see - the beautiful person that I am, uniquely fashioned in your image and likeness. And help me to trust that my deepest identity is found in you. Amen.